“As life becomes harder and more threatening, it also becomes richer, because the fewer expectations we have, the more the good things of life become unexpected gifts that we accept with gratitude.” 

Etty Hillesum An Interrupted Life

I would not characterize our life as either hard or threatening but we certainly have been living with fewer expectations this last while. No expectation of going out to meet friends or spending a Saturday morning leisurely window shopping or even the expectation that you can get what you want/need at the grocery store.

Despite this, these last weeks have felt rich and there have been many gifts. The gift of time – to not rush to a multitude of commitments, to not feel like basic chores have to be crammed into a stolen hour between other pressing obligations, to say yes to playing games or making a new recipe together, to tackling a new project.

The other gift this simple time has brought is the gift of relationship, ironic as that seems. I have spent even more time with the Toad – talking, laughing, playing, snuggling, crafting, competing, teaching, learning, reading, dancing and more. This is an extra special gift as he enters the teenage years when that bond will be naturally tested. I have also more consciously and diligently been connecting with friends by sending emails/texts, facetiming or zooming. I have even had the gift of reconnecting with friends from long ago and catching up on a couple of decades of life moments and current struggles.

Who knew I would be so grateful for the opportunity to stay at home? Who knew I would feel so lucky to have a simple, functional, comfortable home like the Yellow Castle? Who knew I would feel so blessed to be “locked down” with the person I love beyond measure?

“We want autonomy for ourselves and safety for those we love.” Keren Wilson – founder of Assisted Living model

This quote has stuck with me for a couple of weeks now. I am seeing it played out in my parenting, in my observations of choices made by family members, in how people are approaching the reopening of schools and services in the time of a pandemic and in my professional world. The measuring of risk and reward is a highly subjective and personal perspective. I have also realized that it is a highly emotive subject and often hard to put into words. This makes communicating and seeking to understand another perspective even more of a challenge. The challenge means it is even more important to have the conversations and to have them before you face situations that are critical.

Acknowledging the position you are starting from, having enough self-awareness to know how you think/feel about risk, being able to articulate your most important values and having the currency in your relationship bank accounts to forge through heavy and murky topics are some of the elements that make finding or accepting the balance between autonomy and safety possible.

As the Toad turns into a teenager, as my parents age and as I support program and policy development in healthcare, I will have lots of practice having these conversations and finding my own balance point.

The difference between optimism and hope

In his March 30, 2020 TED Connect conversation, Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks makes an important distinction between optimism and hope that struck a chord for me. He states that “Optimism is the belief that things will get better. Hope is the belief that if we work hard enough, together we can make things better…. It takes no courage to be an optimist, but it takes a great deal of courage to have hope.”

In this time of great uncertainty, fear and isolation may we all carry some optimism as we journey on this pandemic marathon. At the same time, may we work to create circumstances of hope for ourselves, the people we love, our community and our world.

Susan David introduces this Zulu word for hello in her recent TED Connect conversation, “How to be your best self in times of crisis”. Literally translated sawubona means “I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being. “ It feels like a very personal and intimate greeting.

In the last weeks we have watched the impact of COVID-19 around the world – the heartbreak of enormous death and the singing from balconies, the exhausted medical professionals and the families holding birthday parties using technology, the toilet paper hoarders and the people delivering food to those most at risk. We cannot unsee any of it – the good, the bad and the ugly.

Sawubona world!

This quote is from Priya Parker’s TED2019 talk on transformative gatherings.

As we continue with our protective isolation and physical distancing this quote struck me. Parker’s talk was given in times when we could gather around kitchen tables or in coffee shops and her plea was to ensure these gatherings were meaningful, rich and full. While we are gathering differently it may well be even more important to be more purposeful and deliberate in their construct.

Parker’s three steps to make gatherings transformative include:

1. Make the purpose of the event specific to you and don’t blindly follow typical formats.
2. Be intentional about establishing relevance and good controversy for your gathering. Parker makes a point that unhealthy peace is as bad (or worse) than unhealthy conflict.
3. Establish “pop-up rules” for your get-together. This is much like the collective brainstorm of “how we want to work together” conversations at the beginning of large meetings – no cellphones, only 1 person talking at a time, have fun as examples. In social settings these pop-up rules can be more edgy or created to stimulate new patterns of behaviour. These new pop-up rules can also help break down barriers in groups that are coming together for the first time.

As we gather differently than we have in the past, how can you be more intentional about their design and ultimately their impact?

Written 26 days ago…..

The Toad and I are on Day 8 of our March Break vacation while socially isolating. As we have done for most of those 8 days, I am allowing his rhythms to dictate the nature of our day. Today has been a slow, low energy day. I have filled my day with reading, research and writing.

My research today included watching Jonny Sun’s 2019 Ted Talk, “You are Not Alone in Your Loneliness.” It is a brief presentation that has several light but candid moments. These moments were illustrated by sweet, simple cartoon characters but it is a question he asks that dropped on me like a huge weight.

“How many people in your life have you had your last conversation with?”

Maybe this question hit hard because of the fear and uncertainty of our world with a virus running renegade around the world. A virus placing people I love in harms way. Maybe because our world has become smaller and simpler in the last few days, I have more time to contemplate relationships. I have thought about the relationships that exploded or fizzled and am wondering if these people, once important to me, are safe. Maybe it is because this pandemic has taken away our ability to travel home for the foreseeable future that home and family seems so far away. Maybe the question reminds me of people that have already left this world – some too early and recalling (if I even can) what our last conversation was.

Regret is not something I abide. Now is the time to reconnect with someone so that you can change the notion of the last conversation. While counter intuitive to connect just as we are called to distance ourselves from one another, the slower pace and simpler days have made room for that to happen for many of us. I think it is the salve our fear needs at times like these.

Who will you reach out to?

What are you reading in 2020?

I have always been a voracious reader - well, except for the 8 months or so after my MBA when I struggled to scan the headlines or read a news story. I find I go through phases of reading – for a period it is non-fiction (mostly business or leadership books), followed by a few weeks of fiction (all kinds of fiction including some young adult novels). I can also quickly get invested in a series or an author and just devour each book.

Below is a list of some of the books I have read in 2020:

1. The Quality of Light by Richard Wagamese (you absolutely must read Ragged Company as well)
2. The Spawning Grounds by Gail Anderson-Dargatz (I loved A Recipe for Bees, A Rhinestone Button and The Cure for Death by Lightening)
3. Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion by Gregory Boyle (please google him and listen to his TedTalk and some of the other presentations he has given)
4. No Return Address by Gail Anderson-Dargatz
5. The Truth According to Us by Annie Barrows
6. Reboot: Leadership and the Art of Growing Up by Jerry Colonna
7. The Guernsey Literary Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
8. The Devil you Know by Elisabeth de Mariaffi
9. House Rules by Jodi Picoult (my sister left this one at my house after she visited in the fall)
10. Then She was Gone by Lisa Jewell
11. Conversations on Dying by Phil Dwyer
12. Everything Happens for a Reason by Kate Bowler
13. The Giver Trilogy by Lois Lowry
14. Wild: from lost to found on the Pacific Coast Trail by Cheryl Strayed

Tell me what you are reading – any recommendations?

Early Lessons from COVID-19

The Toad and I are in the early days of isolating and social distancing but there have already been lessons. The first and biggest lesson is that we have so So SO much to be grateful for – our health, our home, quiet time together, the ability to be outside in nature and more.

One lesson that struck me was about abundance and waste. The first time I went to the grocery store and saw empty shelves was anxiety provoking to put it mildly. There were no bread products, no fruits or vegetables (fresh or frozen), no eggs, no cheese, no pasta or sauce, no rice. My first panic thought was “how will I feed my child?!” It made me more mindful of parents who have this thought even without the shortages that COVIDIOTS who are hoarding have caused.

I bought what I could from my grocery list and went home. The reality is that I have a pantry and I have a small chest freezer, and both had food stocked in. It was clear we were not going to starve. We may not have blueberry waffles, but we do have pancake mix, we may not have fresh raspberries, but we have apples. As I am making meals, I am much more cognizant of what leftovers are in the fridge and am being mindful not to waste anything.  I am much more mindful of people who do not have the resources or the living environment that allows them to have more than the basics at hand. I am more mindful of people who were managing a week ago and who now are accessing the local food bank. I am more mindful of kids who receive much of their quality nutrition and nurturing at school who are now going without.

I am mindful that because I have these blessings, I have a responsibility to make a difference.

Stay at home and go out only for essential needs. Stay physically distanced from others. Check in virtually with the people you love and people who might need assistance. Donate to the food bank. Be kind every opportunity you can. Say thank you to those people who continue to serve in this very difficult time – medical staff, cleaning crews, emergency personnel, truck drivers, grocery store clerks, sanitation crews and more.

Before COVID-19 I worked at home and planned my errands in a logical manner each week to minimize driving around the community. A couple of times a month I would meet with friends for drinks and dinner.

Amid COVID-19 self-isolating and social distancing I work at home and limit my errands to a minimal amount – only groceries really. I connect daily with friends and family using technology.

On the surface life pretty much looks the same……except it isn’t. Nothing is the same. The worry sits close by, the fear hovers near and the feeling of disconnect edges up. Why is that? I think because before COVID-19 I chose my quiet, simple life and now that choice is not mine. Funny how a change in perspective makes you long for something else.

The Toad and I thrive together and are very grateful for many things that we might not have placed as much value on before COVID-19:

• We are both well.
• We love each others company and our rhythms and preferences meld naturally.
• We have plenty of food – both nutritious options and fun snack options.
• Yellow Castle is surrounded by open space and nature.
• The people we love are safe and well
• We have books, games, toys and technology to educate and entertain us.
• We have health care leaders and caregivers who are world class and are working so hard through this crisis – just to name a few.

I know that one day I will make my own choices again and I will be more grateful for them.

Please stay home. Please practice all the precautions shared by the experts. Please take care of all of us as you take care of yourself.

It is NOT about YOU!

I am not a medical professional or an infectious disease specialist. The opinions I will share here are mine alone. My opinions have been formed by utilizing the information readily available from those professionals and organizations that are the experts in the arena of pandemics and infectious disease. I am not talking about Facebook or TMZ or a chat group. I mean the World Health Organization and Health Canada and the provincial Ministry of Health.

My opinion is also informed by the fact that the deaths of two important people in my life from the regular seasonal influenza changed the course of my life. The regular flu kills people – people who are loved – people who matter. COVID -19 is more virulent and more deadly. It might not be more deadly to you (or me) but it is to older people, to people who are already impacted by health challenges ….. these people are loved – they are people who are needed – they are people who are making a difference in the world and who matter.

It is not all that complicated.

• Wash your hands. Wash them extra, extra well and way more often then you think you need to.
• Pay attention to what you are touching (like handrails, doorknobs and elevator buttons) and then wash your hands.
• Keep your hands away from your face and work harder to contain your sneezes/coughs in your sleeve.
• Stay away from people if you are sick.
• Keep a little extra distance from anyone at work or in public. Find an alternative to shaking hands – there are lots of options.
• Have a few extra supplies and food around the house – I repeat a few extras – we are not experiencing a natural disaster or a zombie apocalypse – the goal is to reduce the need to go to the store. This is not a gastrointestinal illness – you just need the regular amount of toilet paper people!

If you don’t think you need take these simple precautions for yourself that is fine but get your head out of your arse because it is not about you!