The Toad is currently working on a project related to the immigration of people to Canada – including his own family. The Toad’s lineage on my side has been here in Canada for a very long time so we are pulling information and photos for his great-great-great-great grandfathers who were born in very early 1800’s. Given that Toad refers to any time before he was born (a decade ago) as the “olden days” the notion of someone leaving their home halfway around the world and coming to Canada by boat as a pioneer to settle the land with few tools, and  no modern conveniences that are so ubiquitous to him is a crazy idea. It highlighted to me what has changed in my lifetime and for those who came before me.

As part of our research, I spent some time looking back on old photos and old letters. I have a binder of letters that my Gran sent me – letters that are 30 years old. Reading again about the events in the life of my 20-year-old self brought into focus how much time has passed and all that I have learned through the changes. It made me think about the funny passage of time – simultaneously fast and slow. I wonder what the future Toad will think when he looks back on his history and the passage of time.

,“Great leaders make tough “people decisions” and are tender in implementing them.” Brene Brown

I am currently reading Brene Brown’s Dare to Lead and the above quote caught my eye. Her study of shame clearly shows that how something happens is far more impactful than what actually happens to people. This applies to being criticized by your boss, not getting a promotion or getting fired. Brown does not recommend avoiding the tough conversations, in fact, quite the opposite. She refers to these tough conversations as rumbling and handled openly, respectfully and with authenticity, they can be a powerful force to overcome toxic and shame–filled work cultures to build up individuals and teams to do their best work.

This is a great reminder to be intentional on both the WHAT and the HOW of all situations. It never hurts to be kind.

Interpreting what the Toad actually means when he declares a feeling is sometimes a challenge.

“Momma I am sad” can mean sad but may also mean tired, bored, lonely, anxious or a number of things. We have been working on dissecting and describing the feelings more succinctly so that problem-solving and actions can be more successful. We use an emotion wheel (pictured below) to help us.

In Dare to Lead, Brene Brown makes some distinctions about a few emotions that are often used interchangeably but are actually very different.

Guilt = I did something bad.

Shame = I am bad.

Humiliation – “People believe they deserve their shame; they do not believe they deserve their humiliation.” Donald Klein

Embarrassment – is usually fleeting and does not make you feel isolated or alone.

Having a strong emotion vocabulary is a key life skill that adds to resilience. Being clear with your emotions and listening deeply for others emotions will always stand you in good stead.

I was watching a news article the other day about an amazing woman who was doing great work helping people in her community who had a variety of different life challenges. She herself had overcome some life difficulties and now spent her time creating a safe and loving community of acceptance for others. When the reporter said to her “Do you realize they look at you like you are a rock star?” this kind, caring, generous woman looked dumbfounded. What was so obvious to everyone else was a complete surprise to her.

It made me think about the eyes I feel on me and sadly most often the ones I notice are the disapproving ones. The ones that indicate I have not done enough, that I am not good enough.

Who looks at you like you are a rock star? Go to them and bask in that feeling – and remember to pass it on!

In this season of joyous celebrations and busy calendars, I have thought many times about blessings. One definition of blessing is “a beneficial thing for which one is grateful; something that brings you well-being.” Over the last while it has struck me that sometimes, maybe even often, blessings come in unexpected and surprising ways.

My blessings are too many to name but a few unexpected ones include:

• Seeing Christmas magic live even without Santa
• Warm arms around my neck as I am able to carry a sleepy Toad to bed one more time
• A once stranger who is now family and who brings many lessons and a new outlook on the world
• A life-long friend whose love and connection continues in new ways and new forms
• A body that is stiff and sore in such a great way it makes you smile each time you groan

I hope in this season you are blessed with the gift of noticing.

“Did you pick the solution you wanted or the one that actually solves the problem?”

Breath sucked in, wincing face, ouch! ……. I knew in an instant that I was totally busted.

This question was asked by my friend who had been listening to me outline a current work situation I was involved in. Although I hate when she busts me, she is my friend in part because she busts me – frequently! She is kind and generous with her time and wisdom and she cares enough about me to never let me get caught in my own messy thinking or to take the easy way out.

What a blessing to have someone who loves you, who is a cheerleader for your success and who has a very different worldview!

The Toad strongly identifies with routine and tradition (yeah I know – apple and the tree) and this is especially true around Christmas time. As this Christmas approaches we have many elements of the holiday season that will be different this year – our family will not be joining us this year, the Toad has outgrown the magic of Christmas and the belief in Santa and we have the joy of hosting a young man from Germany as he spends his first Christmas away from home. We are trying to sort out what traditions we will hold onto and what we can create new and special for just this moment in time. I am trying to hold my emotions in check as we chat about possibilities for our family celebrations and I am struck by the wisdom and bravery of the young.  I am very blessed to be learning from such fine young men.

Now we will just have to see if I can negotiate a later time to open the stockings  – last year it was 4:38 a.m. which seemed  really, really early. 

Everyone works through ideas differently. Everyone brings strengths to  problem solving and idea generation and research shows that the more diverse the group the better the outcome they can produce simply by virtue of that diversity. I was thinking today about the difference in styles/strengths of 2 project sponsors that I have worked with in my career.

I one case my project sponsor and I would sit and discuss an idea which was formulating in her mind. Our discussions were unstructured and sometimes her stream of consciousness was punctuated by an occasional question from me. By the end of the conversation she would have several multi-coloured diagrams on her whiteboard with arrows and shapes and words everywhere. I would leave the meeting and return some time later with a draft project plan including scope, timelines and implementation ideas. I am not a visionary when it comes to a blank paper (or whiteboard) but I am a creative executor of ideas within complex systems.

The other project sponsor that I have worked with will also meet with me and provide her idea. She doesn’t use any diagrams or a whiteboard but is verbally descriptive and detailed in outlining the scope of work and what she wants the outcome to be. I leave the meeting feeling pretty clear about writing up the project documents, however when I return to this sponsor my work is always met with a massive amount of changes and edits. It was always so frustrating to have to redo my work, sometimes 3 or 4 times over despite documenting exactly what the sponsor outlined in the first meeting and each subsequent meeting. Then I realized that despite the detail provided by the sponsor in each conversation I was and my work was really the equivalent of my other sponsors whiteboard. My second sponsor knew what she wanted until she saw it on paper and then spent a couple of iterations to hone and refine her idea through my documentation. I have tried a variety of ways to get her ideas clarified before I do the laborious work of developing a project scope, project charter or other required documentation but nothing circumvents the process. Once I recognized that my work was not lacking but in fact valuable to my senior leader it has helped me to be patient with the process and less frustrated with the required rework.

We all create and work differently and that is a good thing.

I had an “a-ha” thought listening to a podcast recently. It is a bit embarrassing to admit that I had not thought about such a simple concept before but it is true. The concept? Hearing is distinct from listening and hearing is an innate attribute (you can either hear or not) but listening is a skill that can be both learned and honed. Hearing is a passive activity (again either you can hear or you cannot) but listening is an active process which includes using many parts of your brain function to make meaning and listening is as unique to the person as their fingerprint is. This uniqueness is borne from an individual's knowledge, experience, passions, successes, failures, worldview and values so no matter what people hears the meaning-making that comes from listening will always be different.

I also learned that like your computer with too many tabs open or your iphone with too many apps running in the background both your ears and your brain require a reset - 5 minutes a day of silence. I must admit 5 minutes of silence sounds a bit terrifying to me but might be worth a try.