I was very interested to listen to author Christopher Avery (The Responsibility Process) in a recent podcast explaining that when you feel obligated in a situation you are abdicating all of your own choice, power, and responsibility.  Being 100% responsible means understanding that everything in your life is your design and choosing. He is very clear to say that there are things like natural disasters or personal violence that happens that is not a person’s fault but that they do have responsibility for what they do with the situation going forward. It is a little hard to wrap your mind around the extreme examples but relatively simple to utilize this concept on the more mundane aspects of life.

Avery’s suggestion is to notice your language. When you say (or think) “I should..” or “I have to…” you are in an obligated state. The goal is to catch yourself as early as possible as you are entering the state of obligation and either make a different choice or reframe the situation to find your responsibility. He suggests changing “I have to…” to “I get to….”.  I caught myself saying to the Toad one day – “I can’t play with you right now I have to work!” After I uttered those words I thought about what that message says to a young person – work is more important than you, work is a punishment you must endure, Momma is being oppressed by someone and has no power. The next time the Toad came to ask me to play I pulled him down beside me and showed him what I was working on. I told him that I am working with some great people on a big change and I wanted to finish this piece of work so I didn’t lose my creative thought. I told him about my role on the team and that people were counting on me to do my part and that in 15 minutes I would be able to take a break a play with him for a while. We both left that exchange with a very different demeanor and outlook than the original one.

The book is definitely on my reading list – even though the author warns that once you practice the responsibility model it will change what you are willing to accept from yourself and others.